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PTA TKO

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are you Joe-king?

Gourmet Grocer's NYC Debut Marred By Door Drama

The Trader Joe's buzz is in the New York City air. In fact, for months now, Manhattanites have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of yet another organic, specialty-food shopping alternative. So when the gourmet grocery-store chain cut the ribbon on its brand-new Union Square location two weeks ago, spirits and expectations were about as high as the outfit's prices are low.

To be sure, opening weekend found curious New Yorkers lined up by the hundreds for a first look at the brand-new David to neighbor Whole Foods' Goliath. And even two weeks later, it appears all-natural peanut-butter-stuffed pretzels and Trader Joe's Thai Lime & Chili peanuts are still more valuable than many New Yorkers' time: At 6 pm on Monday, the line stretched nearly an entire avenue block.

But between the urban lemmings and their additive-free treats looms a daunting obstacle: Tracy.

"Man, I really wasn't expecting that when I got to the front of the line," said Gary Schwartzman, 27, of Murray Hill. "That woman wasn't kidding around. I actually thought she might turn me away." And if she had, Schwartzman certainly would not have been the first.

From a green wooden stool outside the 14th and 3rd entrance, Trader Joe's line manager Tracy Glick upholds order with an iron fist, crying foul at any and all behavior she deems the least bit detrimental to the overall harmony of her queue.

Since March 17th, Glick, 72, has stymied a total of 37 would-be shoppers based on an array of infractions, including excessive voice volume, rough-housing, and even careless wardrobe maintenance (yesterday, eye-witnesses reported a middle-aged man shamefully walking off with an untied left shoelace). Shoppers expecting to use a cellular phone within earshot of Glick may as well stay home and order online.

"When we finally made it to the front of the line, she honestly just glared at us as if we were joking," recalls Dustin Baker, who had made the lazy-Sunday trek from the Upper West Side with his two roommates. "Old bitch goes, 'Listen fellas, it's a major sausage fest in there. Come back when you have some chicks in tow.' Unfuckingbelievable."

But for Schwartzman, who was granted admission only after managing to convince Glick that his navy cotton button-down was not from The Gap, the door drama was well worth it.

"I don't get it, everyone else in the store was so nice and normal," he said. "Anyway, I got the milk, bread, salad and chicken breasts I came for, so I'm a happy camper. Sure has hell couldn't have gotten this stuff across the street at the Food Emporium."

Seriously, does it seem strange to anyone else that people are willing to wait in line to go GROCERY SHOPPING? What is happening?